The Re-return of the Toxic Revenger
by Tavorgwenn
Summary: The Toxic Revenger, the absent-minded alter-ego of Plucky Duck defends the city from...well, practically nothing. But what happens when real trouble brews in Acme Acres?
1. Default Chapter

The re-re-return of the Toxic Revenger  
  
1 By Kelly Barina  
  
  
  
"Lurking in darkness, protecting innocent citizens from the clutches of evil, defender of good. I am the Toxic Revenger!" I announced dramatically as I stood on a fence.  
  
"Put a sock in it!" an angry civilian yelled as he hurled a shoe in my direction…and missed. Ungrateful fool. But I wasn't in this for the gratitude. I was doing it for the fame. Photo shoots, motion pictures, and little keychains with my name. Not Martin Short's. Not Michael Jordan's. Mine. Toxic Revenger. It had a nice ring to it.  
  
"Look out evil, dastardly, bad guys! The Toxic Revenger is hot on your tail!"  
  
"Shut up, stupid mallard!"  
  
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," I teased. Suddenly, a huge dictionary flew from out of nowhere and swept me from my perch. "Whoa! The Toxic Revenger will return again!"  
  
I landed with a thump into an open trashcan.  
  
"Sadist. Get lost, cat. This is my garbage heap," I snapped at the black creature sitting beside me. It hissed in annoyance as it slashed at my incredibly handsome body. "Hey! Knock it off! Hey! This suit is a rental! Ouch! That hurts! Yaaah!"  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
I gazed at my unusually quiet hometown. All of those defenseless inhabitants…all of them dependant on me, their only guardian. They need never fear! The Toxic Revenger is here!  
  
"Ah ha! A no good criminal is tossing a lit cigarette onto a pile of newspapers!" I observed the careless person walking on the streets below. "Wherever there is wrongdoing, I'll be there! Wherever there is Michelle Pfeiffer, I'll be there! Wherever there is a diabolical lab filled with dangerous chemicals, I'll be somewhere else! Now I'm off!"  
  
I spread my cape heroically and stood, waiting for the wind to take me in its arms and guide me safely to the ground.  
  
"I said, 'I'm off!' Why isn't anyone paying attention to me?" I waited impatiently. It was so hard to find good help these days. "Come on you stupid bunnies! Turn on the fan!"  
  
"No! You'll never take me without a fight! Come on! I can take you! Whasamadda? Are you afraid of fighting someone like me? Yeah! Go ahead and run!" Buster called, still in a restless sleep. Poor bunny lost his mind. I knew it would happen sooner or later. Bunnies are so senseless, ya know. Us mallards, on the other hand, come from a more intelligent species.  
  
"Any time you're ready," I growled. Babs suddenly sat up and realized it was her cue. Duh.  
  
"Buster! Get up!" she called as she shook him roughly.  
  
"Come back for more, huh? Well, take this and this!" Buster yelled, throwing punches aimlessly in the air. Babs caught his fists and Buster opened his eyes in shock.  
  
"Wha happen?" he asked, still in a daze. Then he collapsed in Babs' arms.  
  
"Sorry, Plucky, we're gonna hafta go. Buster had a long night," Babs apologized.  
  
"What was he doing?"  
  
"He stayed up watching the late late late late movie last night."  
  
"Great. Just great. Knowing that he has to be in my presence today, he still chooses to stay up late! Now how is he supposed to perform his best so I can look good?"  
  
"He won't."  
  
"Then you'd better work twice as hard for your little compadre over there cause I'm too cheap to hire another worker!"  
  
"Yes, Mr. Scrooge." I shook my head. They leave me no choice but to deduct their pay. Babs flicked on the fan and I leaped off of the building, arms raised in the air.  
  
"Up! Up! And up some more!" Wait a sec. I wasn't going anywhere! "Hey! Is that fan even on?" I glanced down at the pavement hundreds of feet below me. I had been suspended in mid air! Well, maybe if I just looked back at the sky, I'd stay up here longer… "Yaaah!" I flew through the air and smashed into the cement road.  
  
Beep! Beep! A bus' horn honked as it sped toward me.  
  
"Oh no," I muttered in fear. The wheels ran over my bruised yet handsome form.  
  
"Ow. That's gonna leave a mark," Babs responded, an evil grin spreading across her face. Stupid bunnies. Jealous of my success. My fame.  
  
I pulled myself to my feet and staggered toward the cigarette laying on the bundle of newspapers. I snatched the cigarette off and held it up triumphantly.  
  
"Another feat accomplished by the brave, brilliant and currently single hero, the Toxic Revenger!" Suddenly, the cigarette began burning up. Then it started to burn my feathers! Before I was able to throw it on the ground, the small flame burned my body! I disintegrated into a pile of dust and the cigarette landed on the newspapers and it burst into flames.  
  
Oh well. Can't always be perfect.  
  
"Halt, criminal!" I called. I quickly pulled myself together and chased after the man who had committed the terrible assault and left the cigarette to scorch a nearby Chinese restaurant. Oh well. They shouldn't be here anyway. Let them go back to the depths of Australia or wherever it is they came from.  
  
"Stop! In the name of justice and Steven Speilburg movies!" The business man glared at me in annoyance.  
  
"What do you want? I'm late for work!" he snapped.  
  
"You obviously don't know who I am," I stated proudly. "I am the Toxic Revenger, defender of good!"  
  
"I couldn't care less if you said you were Bigfoot! Now get lost!"  
  
"Come with me quietly, or I will be forced to use brute strength," I flexed my large muscles to prove my point.  
  
The business man slammed me over the head with his heavy briefcase and stormed off.  
  
"Thank you for cooperation!" I muttered as stars circled my head. 


	2. 

"Brute strength, Plucky?" Babs asked sarcastically.  
  
"Yep! I showed him! Yep. Sure did! That's a lesson he'll never forget!"  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Hold it right there!" a large woman in a bright pink outfit commanded.  
  
"Ooooh," Buster groaned from offstage. "Network censor."  
  
He and Babs walked onto the set while I pulled out a pocket mirror and admired myself.  
  
A fake smile spread across Buster's face as he greeted her. "Hello! May I get you anything? A drink? A chair? An escort to the door?" Babs elbowed him.  
  
"I am the Chairperson of Adults Against Funny Cartoons and I have counted over 15 acts of mindless gratuitous violence which is…."  
  
Blah. Blah. Blah. The topic of me is much more interesting.  
  
"Oh, not this again! Look, we've already wasted one whole episode arguing about this and I really don't want to go through it again!"  
  
"Ah, but I'm afraid we must. You see this?" She held up a rolled up piece of paper.  
  
"Yeah. It's called 'paper'," Buster snapped.  
  
"Not just any paper, but the deed to your very existence!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You know what I mean! The deed that entitles you to live in Acme Acres and do your silly show!"  
  
"Oh. That deed."  
  
"Bugs Bunny had it! How did you get your filthy mitts on it?" Babs demanded.  
  
"Of course you know Bugs Bunny is out of town for a carrot convention and although it was heavily guarded, I tapped into his computerized alarm, retrieved the password, and was able to get the deed!"  
  
"Er-hem! I'm the star of this cartoon! Nobody's paying attention to me!'  
  
"Plucky, will you just get over yourself? This is serious!" Babs retorted.  
  
"What could possibly be more important than me?"  
  
"Everything!"  
  
"I give you three days to vacate! So long, toons!" she cackled as she exited, stage left.  
  
"Great! Three days," Buster grumbled.  
  
"Three days for what? What is so important that you had to interrupt my cartoon?" I demanded. I was completely out of that. And those stupid bunnies were hogging the camera!  
  
"Three days til' the end of Tiny Toons! Three days til' we get booted out of our home!! Three days til the end of the world as we know it!!!" Babs cried.  
  
"Aw, don't worry, Babsie. We'll think of something," Buster comforted as he took her into his strong arms, vowing to himself that through it all, he wouldn't lose her.  
  
Love-ugh! Don't make me gag.  
  
"We're doomed! Doomed!!!" Babs sobbed. An award was thrust into her hands from offstage and she accepted it, gratefully beaming. "I'd like to thank all of my adoring fans!"  
  
Ha. Like she has any.  
  
"Well, then I guess I'll have to take this into my own hands! The Toxic Revenger will wrong the right! Or is it the other way around?"  
  
"You? Save Acme Acres?" Babs giggled.  
  
"Babsie…" Buster scolded. "Are you sure you can handle her, Plucky?"  
  
"Sure I'm sure! And another thing-don't call me 'Plucky'. Do you want to reveal my secret identity?"  
  
Buster rolled his eyes.  
  
Duck discrimination I tell ya.  
  
"Okay, Toxic Revenger," Buster addressed in sarcasm. "It okay if I call you T.R.?"  
  
"You can call me Toxic, Mr. R, the Revenger…I don't care! Just not Plucky! For I am the Toxic Revenger, and my sole purpose in life is to defend the innocent citizens and the rights of all mallards everywhere!"  
  
"So what's your plan, O' great one?"  
  
"I'll tell you once I think of it. Now I'm gonna go brainstorm while watching Chevy Chase movies. Catch ya later! It'll come to me sooner or later."  
  
"Hopefully sooner than later."  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"Hmm…how can I stop a wickedly mad woman, bent on erasing toons from existence? Maybe I can concentrate better with a bowl of popcorn." I heated up the popcorn and once it was nice and warm, I dumped a bucket of butter over the kernels.  
  
Now I can think.  
  
I chew on the popcorn, enjoying every bit thoroughly. Ah…I was in heaven.  
  
So now what? What could I do? Well, maybe the sheer horror of a soap opera would give me an idea.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
"Plucky! Plucky! Where are you?" Buster called into my home, but I ignored him, as usual. I was…occupied.  
  
"No, Charlotte! Don't kiss him! He's your second cousin's deformed twin from Texas! You don't want to betray your boyfriend, Billy, who's on a business trip in Australia!" I cried. I sat in anticipation in front of the screen and watched in shock as she kissed the jerk! "How could you? Oh, now you've done it! Now Billy's evil mother-in-law will tattle and your relationship will be over! All over!"  
  
"Plucky, what are you doing?"  
  
"Oh, hi, Buster. Care to join me?"  
  
"Did it ever occur to you that we have to be out of here by midnight tonight?"  
  
"Midnight??? Tonight???"  
  
"Yes; tonight! Me and Babsie have been looking for that document for days, but have come up empty-handed."  
  
"Well, that's because the Toxic Revenger hasn't tried! Come, trusty sidekick!"  
  
"Yes, your highness." Bow down in my presence, unworthy rabbit.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
"The Toxic Revenger to the rescue!" I yelled dramatically.  
  
"You don't even know the first place to look, do you?" Buster asked knowingly.  
  
"Uh…that information is unnecessary. We'll just ride on this subway and it's important in this plot!" I responded as I leaned casually on the wall of the fast-moving vehicle.  
  
"The subway is the only way for a famous superhero like yourself to travel."  
  
"Oh, shut up." Nothing more annoying than a smart-alec bunny. It suddenly jolted to a sto and all of the passengers unloaded. "Come on, lowly sidekick! We have evil to vanquish!"  
  
"If we ever find it…" We stepped off among the sea of people. "So now where, genius?"  
  
"That way!" I yelled, pointing left.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Because I am the Toxic Revenger!!!" Buster reluctantly followed me loyally.  
  
"Or maybe it's because the criminals left a subtle clue," he muttered, nodding toward a large billboard with the words, 'Evil hideout this way'. And an arrow pointed to the left.  
  
"Ridicule is the burden of genius," I snorted.  
  
"Define 'genius," Buster retorted, crossing his arms casually.  
  
"Just for that, you don't get my autograph." 


	3. 

"Define 'genius', Buster retorted, crossing his arms casually.  
  
"Just for that, you can't have my autograph."  
  
"I'll never be able to live without it, Plucky! Oh well. I suppose I can use other bits of paper for my spitballs," Buster laughed. I stuck my tongue out at him as my last resort. He smirked in triumph. I frowned and strutted onward, grumbling softly to myself.  
  
That rabbit is denial, but when my ship comes in, he'll be sorry. He'll be begging for my autograph, like my other million fans. Revenge will be sweet.  
  
We departed from the subway, Buster still humbly following me and my amazing instincts all the way to the evil hideout.  
  
"Look; there she is," Buster hissed, glaring inside the large window of a huge warehouse at the pompous woman.  
  
"Hey, Buster, do you know where the little hero's room is? My bladder's gonna explode any second now!" I whined, involuntarily dancing around him.  
  
"Oh, Plucky," Buster groaned. "Why didn't you go before we left?"  
  
"I did!" I protested. "But that two liter bottle of cherry soda I drank a half hour ago is starting to leave headquarters, if you get my meaning!"  
  
"There's a bush over there." Buster nodded toward a plant a couple of feet away. Would I make it?  
  
"Nah. That's unsanitary. Besides, what'll I have to read?"  
  
His eyebrow arched as he glanced over his shoulder at me.  
  
"Hey! A guy has to stay entertained!"  
  
I frantically scoped the area for a perfect spot. Nothing for miles! Where to go? What to do?  
  
Aaah! My bladder cried out to me in agony.  
  
Then a wonderful site located before me caught my eye-a porta- potty!!! My heart leaped with joy as I rushed toward it, full of enthusiasm. As I grasped the handle, I prepared for my deliverance of the pain.  
  
I pulled. And pulled. And pulled some more, but it wouldn't open. Open, glorious savior! Open, darn you! Open!!!  
  
"Can't a guy use a porta-potty in peace?" demanded a voice inside. I broke through the door and tossed the man(otherwise known as Steven Speilburg) outside. "Hey!"  
  
"I am the Toxic Revenger!" I stated. Suddenly, the pain returned. "With a very full bladder." I quickly zipped into heaven.  
  
Buster rolled his eyes and impatiently tapped his foot on the ground. He peered at his watch. 11:30 P.M.!  
  
"Plucky, anytime you're ready!" Buster snapped.  
  
"Well, I'm not ready so shut up!" I retorted.  
  
"The fate of Acme Acres is at stake here, Plucky.'  
  
"Tell my agent! And stop calling me that!"  
  
"Plucky! Plucky! Plucky!" Buster mocked.  
  
"Stop! That's my top secret identity that nobody knows about except me!"  
  
"That's it! I'm sick of your garbage! Looks like it's all up to me." Buster stormed away in anger.  
  
"Okay, then, bring me back a Playduck magazine, will ya, pal? Pal? Buddy? Buster?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
After about 15 minutes, I strolled out of the porta-potty, refreshed and relieved. Life was good.  
  
"Hey, Buster! What happened with that magazine?" I straightened out my mask and glanced over my handsome, muscular physique. Perfect, as usual. "Buster! Come on! Okay, okay! I'll forgive you for being jealous! I can understand why! Buster?"  
  
Where could he be? Could he have gone inside? Or did he go back to his burrow to whine to Babs about my perfection? And is Jennifer Aniston still single?  
  
I clutched the window sill and searched the room. To my shock and dismay(well, not really dismay), Buster was bound and thrown in a corner(where he belongs) and after the mad chairperson took her inhaler, she laughed evilly, as most villains do. I had to rescue him!  
  
Nah. Why waste my time? Besides, Baywatch is on and there's nothing I like better than watching…er-hem! Let's just say I never miss it. Never.  
  
I draped my cape dramatically across my face. Another day in the life of the amazingly good-looking mega super hero, the Toxic Revenger!  
  
'What are you doing, you insensitive pile of feathers? You have to save him! He's your friend!'  
  
I groaned. My conscience was starting.  
  
'Ah, forget him! Who needs him?' the little demon on my shoulder advised.  
  
'You do!'  
  
'Ah, shut up, stupid! You don't know anything!'  
  
'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!'  
  
'I wasn't planning on saying anything!' The demon tackled the angle and they wrestled each other furiously.  
  
"Cool it, guys," I hissed. They paused mid-battle.  
  
"Hey, look! Isn't that the loon girl?" the demon asked.  
  
"Shirley?" we questioned in unison. 


	4. 

We pressed our faces onto the cold, hard glass and spotted her with a weird helmet, which was connected to a large high-tech machine. Now I have motivation!  
  
"Hold on, Shirl! The Toxic Revenger to…uh, to…um…will save you!"  
  
I smashed through the window like all heroes do and with a quick motion, landed delicately on my webbed feet(ballet finally paid off) and swept my cape around my ever-so good-looking form.  
  
"I am the horror that scours the streets. I am the guy everyone wants to date. I am the Toxic Revenger!" I announced. Then a piercing pain shot up my leg and I shrieked out. I looked down to find that I was standing in shattered glass. "This never happens to Batman."  
  
"Ah, I've been expecting you," the chairperson responded. "In five minutes, Acme Acres will be mine, but since it's tradition for all villains to have a fight to the death with the hero near the end of a movie, I will comply. The only difference is, I will win."  
  
"I'm shaking in my costume. Do your worst!" I challenged.  
  
"Very well then."  
  
The machine Shirley was hooked up to immediately switched on and Shirley awakened. "Destroy that mallard!"  
  
Shirley's eyes glowed an evil shade of yellow as se glared menacingly at me.  
  
"Mother," I muttered in fear. She hurled thunderbolts in my direction. "Shirley! Sweetheart! Come on! Don't you recognize me? I'm your lovable, handsome, adoring boyfriend, remember?"  
  
She continued firing the lightning at me. I tried to dodge each blow, but there's only so long that even someone with my amazing reflexes could last.  
  
I'd better think of something fast if I didn't want to be roast duck!  
  
"Plucky, she doesn't recognize you! Take off the mask!" Buster yelled.  
  
"No! Not the mask!" I protested.  
  
"Plucky, you have to! It's the only way!" I sighed. I supposed he was right. For once. I snatched the mask off.  
  
"See, Shirl? It's me! Plucky Duck!" I shouted.  
  
I expected her to stop and hug me passionately(as most girls do when they see me), but she ignored me. I knew something that would snap her out of it. I grinned slyly. Hey, it worked for Prince Charming.  
  
I reached over to the crazy loon and planted a big kiss on her. She knocked off the fireworks and crumpled into my arms. I was loving this. I broke the kiss, grinning from ear to ear(at least I would if I had ears).  
  
"Miss me, babe?" I asked. The next thing I knew, I was just a pile of feathers on the floor.  
  
"Get real, Pluckface," she grumbled.  
  
"Now hand over the deed…um…chairperson lady!" Buster shouted.  
  
"Never!"  
  
"Then I have no choice, but to use brute strength!" I stated.  
  
"Not again," Buster sighed.  
  
I ignored him and charged toward her heroically. She sidestepped me and I hit the wall. Shirley calmly meditated and transported the deed from the chairperson's hand to her own. Just in the nick of time too.  
  
"You haven't seen the last of me!" The chairperson retreated in defeat, leaving us alone to gloat. I got to my feet in a daze.  
  
"Another mission successfully completed by the Toxic Revenger!" I yelled.  
  
"Ah, put a sock in it!" Buster and Shirley demanded.  
  
"Sheesh! Nobody appreciates my talents."  
  
The End!  
  
"Until the sequel, of course," I added.  
  
"PLUCKY!!!" 


End file.
